I’ve got an idea. Let’s change the caption on EOnline‘s photo (the image that’s associated with the article, “Hugh Hefner’s Wife Crystal Unveils the ‘Real’ Her After Removing ‘Everything Fake’ From Her Body” written by Lindsay Weinberg) to read “Joe Average and Crystal Hefner.” Then what you’ve got is a greedy old man with the best-looking Junior in the class. Disgusting, right? Totally age-inappropriate.

Hugh Hefner (Hef), at 91, was a typical old guy.  And he looked the part.  Nothing wrong with that.  I’m an old guy too.  But I don’t date, much less marry, high-school students.  Hef was able to do that because he had about eight zeros after the balance in his bank account.

Regrets and Riches

It is really rich for Crystal Hefner to depict Hef’s former wives as unprincipled publicity-seekers while she was the biggest gold-digger of them all.  Hef’s expiring on her watch made her one of the richest women in the country.  And she says she married him because she found him “fascinating” or whatever.  Please, give us a break.  Honey, you married that nonagenarian because he could make you famous — and rich.  What’s not to like about that.

Crystal Hefner’s Transformation Isn’t Newsworthy

I have always found the whole Hef Cult slightly nauseating.  He was a shrewd entrepreneur who made a lot of money with the Playboy brand, which was premised on coupling wealthy older men with good-looking babelets who could don a pair of bunny ears and cash out working as cocktail waitresses.  “Hey, cutie, over here.  I’ll tip you a hundred bucks if you let me put my hand on your backside.”

As a social transaction, this is revolting.  But it’s life.  Hef looks down benignly from Heaven (I think) as the cult he created continues to defy every feminist principle in the books.  But the media pretends that Crystal’s removing all her plastic body parts is news.  It’s not news, unless you find calculating Sugar Babes newsworthy.