The Eroticizing of Handball

bikinis and handball

Should handball compete with porn?

The insistence of the International Handball Federation that women compete wearing bikini bottoms is worse than just “embarrassing,” as though someone had broken wind at the awards dinner.  It is so grossly inappropriate for 2021 that one doesn’t know whether to poop or go blind.

We are supposed to be de-genderizing things like sports competitions.  Instead, we give in to the dictates of Federation directors who obviously are marooned somewhere in the 1950s and believe that women’s beach handball exists as a form of erotic entertainment for pot-bellied old men rather than as a sport.

A Modest Proposal

But I have a modest proposal to make.  I dislike half measures.  To fully appeal to males worldwide, let’s insist that female competitors in beach handball wear black high-heeled boots and leather corsets.

Male viewers will be glued to their TV sets and Federation organizers can congratulate themselves on a job well done:  They have redone the sport in the interests of appealing to the male erotic imagination rather than in the interests of athleticism.

Males Wearing Speedos

High-heeled boots as inappropriate for the beach?  Why are the male shorts not inappropriate if the female bikinis are just perfect?  In the interests of gender equality, we’ll have the males wear speedos, which will bounce suggestively with every lunge.  That will complete the eroticizing of handball.

No one can accuse us of not making the sport as close to porn as possible.




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