An Exchange of Power

Mallory Yu wrote an interesting column called “How To Talk About Sex (And Consent): 4 Lessons From The Kink Community” for Shots, Health News From NPR. But there is a basic problem with all the author’s talk about plenty of conversation — put everything up front, blah. blah.

It is that bdsm is not about procedures, like spanking or handcuffs, or whatever. It’s about the exchange of power. The core concept is that I give you all the power, and I have none. You will be dominant (which means you are able to do whatever you want), and I will be submissive (your “slave”).

Now, there are some limits here. You, as a domme, must have some sense of how much pain your partners can tolerate before they will bail from the scene. You, as a bottom, have to realize that the top is actually lubricating as she squeezes your nipples or paddles you. She is testing your willingness to obey. You are giving her pleasure and, as a subbie, that is your mission in life. It’s not you, yourself, getting off.

Somehow, in all this conversation with “kinksters,” the author seems to have lost track of this point. She tells us she started interviewing people in the fetish community (that’s what it’s really called), because she herself felt a bit uneasy about some consent issues and wanted to see how they handled it.

Vanilla Sex Is Not Fetish Sex

But in vanilla sex, consent is an issue, and properly so. It’s 50/50 sex. Fetish sex is 100/0 sex. If you are having sex with a pro-domme, as they are called, there almost certainly will be a conversation up front about what might happen (emphasis on the “might”). But, if you are exploring a relationship, giving your new partner a laundry list of what you do and don’t like will defeat the whole purpose of the exercise. You will end up doing “vanilla bondage” and, yeah, the term exists. See the Sportsheets ads.

You Push Consent at Your Peril

Final point: the dominant person will have a certain degree of power over you aside from restraining you to the bed. Almost everybody wants to bottom. Tops are few and far between. So, if she walks because you are being a little priss about “consent,” you may have trouble finding another top.

You can find out more about all this, by the way, in my new book Stormy’s World, which will be available soon. The book is now in production, and I will keep you updated on its progress.